Spork Fu’s Guide To The Fourth Of July
Tomorrow, in case you need a reminder, is Independence Day. It’s the day when our forefathers wrote to King George telling him to fuck right off and declared their independence from Britain. What you may not know is that the original declaration was (presumably) destroyed in the printing process, thus paving the way for another American tradition: Kinko’s
Nevertheless, we celebrate this day with fireworks, barbecues, parades, not going to work and (of course) drinking heavily. If you still have nothing planned for tomorrow, keep reading after the jump for some helpful advice on how to do the Fourth right. Because if you don’t grill and drink and set your appendages on fire somehow, then the terrorists have won.
STEP ONE: GRILLING
You need a grill. Preferrably your own, as the neighbors are still scraping whatever it is you tried to cook last year on theirs while they were away. There’s always grills for sale at the store, or you can try one of the mega-grills on wheels if you’re feeling adventurous and/or aren’t emotionally attached to your eyebrows.
You can also refer some of your grandfather’s old cookbooks for inspiration. But don’t try to emulate the guy with the glowing steak on a fork. Nobody likes their beef radioactive.
STEP ONE AND A HALF: FOOD
Now that you have a grill (meaning you were nice enough to bookmark this page and come back to us, nice!), you need food to grill. This step should be obvious: Twinkies! Yes, I said it. It’s a fair assumption that you’ll alreday have hot dogs, hamburgers and (maybe) steak ready. Nobody will expect grilled Twinkies. You’ll be the talk of the neighborhood, usually prefixed with “What the fuck…?”.
Now you need a side dish, which in a perfect world would be more meat. Ever wonder why year after year, the chips you put out on the coffee table sit untouched? Maybe it’s because people want hot grilled meat. That, and those are the chips you put out last year.
Again, one word: BACON!
STEP TWO: BEVERAGES
Thanks to global warming, summer for the next hundred-thousand-bajillion years should be somewhere between “miserable” and “fuck, I’m melting”. Therefore, anything you serve had better be cold. That means beer, soda, beer, water, beer and Gatorade. Did I mention beer? (The soda is there mainly for the mixing of hard liquor where needed.)
And try to remember the ice this year, those drinks don’t get cold by themselves. Two bags of ice should do it. A third bag may be necessary if you like to put handfuls of ice down people’s backs, and a fourth bag to nurse the bruises from said recipients.
STEP THREE: FIREWORKS
Nothing says, “Happy Birthday to America” better than shooting off fireworks through the day and well into August. Just to be safe, and to keep my ass out of a legal shithole, here’s a state-by-state map of where fireworks are legally sold. Notice that most of the South allows either all or “safe and sane” fireworks. (Seriously, do they allow anything in Rhode Island?) That does not necessarily mean that the end user has to be “safe and sane” as well, as this “demonstration” will show.
CONCLUSION
You’re got a three-day weekend this year, so make the most out of it. One way or the another you will be remembered, either for your skills as a chef/host or on the Six o’ Clock News telling the reporter how your house burnt down. Make sure it’s the former.
In all seriousness, stay safe this holiday weekend. I want you guys around to keep reading this site.
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